Well hello there, good people of the world! Although I have nothing of substance to offer you this week since my heart is a vacuous void of empty emotions, I feel it is important that I update you today with a brief memo recounting my London commuting highlights from last week.
Monday 8:07am: The Comber
Despicable Woman sits on train across the aisle from me. Despicable Woman proceeds to comb her her hair. Between each stroke, Despicable Woman removes her hair from the comb and disposes of it on the aisle floor making a sprinkling motion with her stupid, offensive fingers.
Tuesday 8:46am: The Hand-Holder
I attempt to exit the top level of the bus behind Deplorable Man. Deplorable Man’s arms are seemingly about 8 feet long. Deplorable Man descends to the bottom of the stairs whilst keeping his right hand on the railing at the top of the stairs, ensuring that I will either have to A) touch his hand with my hand or B) hurdle headlong down the stairs to my death unsupported by the banister. I choose life and am forced to hold the hand of Deplorable Man.
Wednesday 8:16am: The Pre-Manspreader
My body, bag, and all appendages are contained to my one allocated seat on the train. The Pre-Manspreader–‘pre’ as he is of that indomitable race known as ‘teenagers’–enters the train and crashes down in the seat next to me, throttling me in the face with his backpack. Very unnecessarily, his knee then spreads approximately 10 inches into my seating area whilst his pointy elbow extends approximately 7 inches across the armrest and into my side. The Pre-Manspreader continues to thrash around in his (and my) seat for the rest of journey, taking things out of and putting things back into the previously offending backpack.
Thursday 7:23pm: The Worst Person Ever
Final bus of my journey. This man… THIS MAN:
as you can see, insists on standing at the top of the steps for his entire journey–despite there being seats available. From his ILLEGAL positioning, this Worst Person Ever proceeds to listen to his music sans headphones. Of course, I’m sure the whole bus is delighted to also be listening to his music–I know it’s just what I wanted to hear, and I silently thanked him for providing this unsolicited soundtrack to my commute. Because his behaviour indicates that he’s really cool. Worst Person Ever maintains his position in the stairwell each time the bus stops and people get on and off. His un-moving stance forces people to have to squeeze past him to get off the bus–both having to touch him and gain a precarious mount to the stairs. In indulgence of a British stereotype, most of these people ACTUALLY APOLOGISE TO HIM AS THEY SQUEEZE BY. I sit and dread exiting the bus for 15 stops, hoping that some other man will say something to him. They don’t.
Friday 6:34pm: Despicable Me
In my exuberance upon exiting the Victoria tube line and in an attempt to pocket my mobile, I accidentally hurl it at the legs of a stationary male figure. The phone is, of course, attached to headphones that are subsequently ripped from my ears in pursuit of the phone’s airborne trajectory. In a punctuating blow, said headphones whip into and clatter off of the legs of the stationary man before falling to the filthy filthy floor. I snatch up these items, mumbling ‘sorry sorry’ to the stationary man’s unforgiving feet, and flee the scene.
This week’s Weekes Word (jackanape) is another one we obviously need to bring back. Merriam-Webster tells us:
William de la Pole, the Duke of Suffolk, was a well-regarded soldier and commander during the Hundred Years’ War. It was during his dukedom (1448-1450), however, that England lost its possessions in northern France, and his popularity consequently suffered. The coat of arms for de la Pole’s family sported an image of a collar and chain that, at the time, was commonly used for leashing pet monkeys, then known as “jackanapes” (a word whose precise origin is uncertain). By association, people gave the Duke the nickname “Jack Napis,” and soon “jackanapes” took on a life of its own as a word for an impudent person and, later, a misbehaving child.
Jackanape: origin unknown but coming to mean an impudent or conceited fellow. Ex: The train was filled with jackanapes and Weekes was required to retreat further and further into her coat to avoid their inconsiderate antics.
xWG // #dazeandweekes