Unicorn Horn
[I would have named this post something else, but I was scared that it would get picked up and disseminated to nefarious Rated R websites by some sketchy algorithm…. like the time I used #dirtyfeet in an Instagram post and B found himself in the middle of a foot-fetish feeding frenzy.]
About 85% of me believes that unicorns are real.
I’ve always been pretty obsessed with them. I mean, firstly, everyone knows that The Last Unicorn is the best film ever made. You’ve never seen it?!!?!?! Get thee to a closed down Blockbuster Video immediately and rent this cinematic masterpiece!!! It’s got everything, from voluptuous trees to amazing songs by America.
Plus, it’s pretty dark and sad and most importantly, about a beautiful unicorn. (And stars Alan Arkin, Jeff Bridges, Mia Farrow, Angela Lansbury, and Christopher Lee…. not too shabby!)
When I was littl(er), I saved up all my pocket money to purchase a fabulous book of photography called Unicorns I Have Known. In this book, Robert Vavra features dozens of gorgeous photos of unicorns in different environments from all over the world. Like the Victorians in my momento mori post, I naturally viewed these photographs as factual evidence of the existence of unicorns.
My realist big brother was perpetually making fun of me during my childhood, bursting my fantasy bubbles left and right. So, when I bought this unicorn textbook, I thought Aha! I’ve got him!
I’ll never forgot triumphantly showing him the pictures and being like, ‘Seeeeeee!!!!! They are real!!!!!’
To which my brother replied, ‘Those are horses with ice cream cones glued to their heads.’
Huh.
Interesting theory, brother…. aka DREAM-CRUSHER!!!!!
It was sort of a loss of innocence moment for me… but actually, mehhhhh I didn’t totally stop believing. I don’t think anyone has ever described me as ‘pragmatic’, so why should I bother living in a boring world where unicorns and fairies and the Loch Ness Monster don’t exist? Why not just believe in something that is interesting and magical?
Anyway, I thought since Unicorns I Have Known managed to make it all the way over to England with me, I ought to take another look at the book (for the first time in probably 25 years).
So, in the back of the book, Vavra has written all these ‘field notes’ about his experiences of finding unicorns and photographing them (he’s clearly #blessed, as he seems to have seen more unicorns than any other person ever [all other people having actually seen zero unicorns]).
But I don’t think I ever really read these field notes!!!! Y’all: there is like A LOT of information on the mating habits of unicorns, and it is sorta a bit perverted. I mean, or I guess just like weirdly detailed? But not weird if unicorns are real? Which I think they are? I mean, they must be? Like how could this guy make this stuff up?
For example, did you know that when unicorns are turned on, their horns secrete a honey that their partners enjoy licking off?
Mmmmmmmm. But wait–wait that’s not all! Apparently, ‘horn rubbing stimulates additional honey flow’ as pictured below:
And hang on, wait, what’s this about ‘horn tips’?!?!
Hold the phone, Vavra!
But I think there’s a saying about ‘not believing everything you read in books’, so I thought we’d better also look at some facts from a more reliable source: the internet/Wikipedia.
Pffftt well, red flag right away, it looks like Wikipedia staunchly qualifies unicorns as ‘legendary’ creatures and makes no mention of their mating habits. They are clearly trying to stifle evidence (like ‘the government’ did in that documentary about the mermaids, The Body Found, that I 100% believed and text Sonia afterward being like, ‘How is this not all over the news?!?!?!? THE MERMAIDS ARE REAL!!!!’), and they don’t seem to have referenced Unicorns I Have Known or The Last Unicorn at all.
I can’t really credit such a closed-minded denial of possibility–especially since they admit that unicorns are mentioned by Aristotle, The Bible, and Shakespeare.
I dunno… what do you guys think? I’m pretty convinced by Vavra’s sound evidence, a perusal of my childhood memorabilia, and the backing of heavy hitters like Aristotle–but I guess it’s only right that we determine the unicorn fate (keeping in mind the #facts I have provided and that Wikipedia is a notorious source of bollocks) the WordPress way, in a poll.
Been awhile since a Weekes Word, eh? I ran across this one in some Elizabethan stage directions. It’s sort of been replaced by ‘fanfare’ these days, but I am partial this little word! And according to our fave Wikipedia, it’s also what you call those little songs that the organ plays at baseball games.
Tucket: 16th century from the obsolete ‘tuck’ (to beat a drum) and meaning fanfare or flourish on a trumpet. EX: With a tucket, Weekes rode into the town on the back of a resplendent unicorn; the villagers cried in adoration and laid flowers at her feet.
I should be back next week (sorry for leaving you hanging last week!) with another webisode, so be sure to tune in and tune out! Errrrr wait, maybe just tune in!
xWG
Winter-Maker 
Ohhhhhh, so THAT’S where honey comes from! And here I was getting all freaked out about our diminishing bee populations like a fool. That’s a cool book though (much more picturesque than my childhood favourite, “Vampires, Werewolves and Demons” – yeah, I was one of THOSE kids) and, despite what your brother might say, a valuable document to back up your case that unicorns are indeed real. Now I have to track down “The Last Unicorn” immediately for some Angela-Lansbury-laden fairytale goodness – thanks for the tip! 😀
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I knowwwww… I was thinking the same thing re the bees, but then considered that unicorns might not be the most stable backup option. I’ll never forget first seeing this book in the bookstore. It was illuminated by a heavenly beam of light and the angels were singing and I might have been wearing white pleather unicorn boots.
Ohhhh ‘Vampires, Werewolves and Demons’ looks like an absolute classic and also like it contains lots of good #facts! I like this helpful review for it from ‘Jim’ (who I think actually might be Donald Trump) on Amazon: ‘Talks about S.R.A. Satanic Ritual Abuse, then as a typical Dr. says we have no proof, pretty disappointing on my end.’
Omg you simply must see ‘The Last Unicorn’! I made my mom rent it ALL time along with ‘The Dark Crystal’ and the animated version of ‘The Hobbit’ 🙂
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Pleeeeeease tell me you actually owned a pair of white pleather unicorn boots! And can it be possible that a copy of “Vampires, Werewolves and Demons” is still out there somewhere? Hopefully I won’t have to fight “Jim” (totally Donald Trump) for possession… What was his point in that review, exactly? He really should know better than to let lack of proof spoil a good horror story. Or does he have proof, and is annoyed that the publishers didn’t see fit to include it in this flawless, totally factual work?
Right, I’m off to seek out “The Last Unicorn”! Today is movie day! 😀
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Oh I totes did–but don’t worry, they were super classy and understated, the unicorn only being visible on the sole of the boot. Be careful with ‘Jim’! I wouldn’t want you to get into a heated Twitter battle! Hahaha no idea what his point is besides that all doctors cannot be trusted and are fake news!
Good luck on your quest!!!!! Watch out for Haggard and the Red Bull (not the disgusting beverage)!!!! 🙂
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Oh wow! Unicorn boots sound even better than the must-have girl shoe of choice in the UK in the late 80s… Clarks Magic Steps, which LOOKED like totally ordinary shoes until you saw they had a picture of a golden key inside a small plastic bubble in the heel! Covetable, right? 😆
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Omg those sound SO COOL. Secret Garden-esque and wayyyy classier than the heinous boots my mother wished I had never laid eyes on. Wouldn’t mind a pair now!
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Really? I’ve been trying to figure out why on earth I spent most of my early years coveting a pair! But if you think that’s cool, the boys’ version had a COMPASS in the sole! Genius!!
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Whaaaaaaa?? Amazing! Although it might be slightly inconvenient to have to take off your shoe in the middle of your adventurous trek through the forest just to see where you’re going….
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I know! I can picture it now… “Oh no, we’re lost!”
“Don’t worry lads, I’ll sort this one out!”
Cue 40 minutes of elaborate yoga poses in an attempt to read shoe-sole compass, at which point it reveals itself to be purely decorative anyway. 😂
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😂😂😂😂
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First off, I LOOOOVED The Last Unicorn as a kid (okay, I still do) and must have watched it about a billion and one times (give or take a thousand). I think I even had a mild crush on Schmendrick (so jealous of that voluptuous tree).
Second, I had my own books and magazines full of unicorn pictures that were clearly taken in the wild and were NOT Photoshopped because, duh, there was no Photoshop then. So your brother is just wrong, Wrong, I tells ya.
Now, on to your unicorn horn porn. What in the world!!!??? This guy has some serious bestiality issues to work on. I’m now wondering what kind of costumes his wife (assuming he could bother to marry a human female) had to wear to bed and what their tab at the horse costume shop must have been (plus the cleaning expenses…ew).
But hey, at least your parents didn’t filter your reading and you have a lovely (read: creepy!) memory from your childhood. And now I’m super creeped out that this guy wrote this book probably KNOWING little girls were his target audience. I can’t believe anyone would exploit unicorns like this. Can’t we just have nice magical things!!???
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Isn’t it the best movie!?!?! Definitely had a crush on Schmendrick, possibly the genesis of my penchant for hilarious Jewish men? And omg, I am so glad to hear about the backup photographic evidence! Stupid big brothers.
Hhahahahahhaha I’m so glad you agree! I was like, ‘Is my mind in the gutter, or is this effing disturbing?!’ Hahaha ‘assuming he could bother to marry a human female’ – doubt it! Unless she was one of those Pony Play people I watched a horrifying documentary about.
Haha and yes, no reading censorship for me! Except the librarian at my Elementary school did phone my mom to tell her that I was reading novels with ‘distressing themes’ meant for older kids (re death and child abuse – thanks, Betsy Byars!) – little did they know about the Unicorn Playboy I was already in full possession of in my bedroom! Ohhh the innocent pre-internet days of our youth….
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Distressing themes? I wonder what that librarian made of the Harry Potter books? Death, bullying, child abuse, butter beer. Can’t imagine all the notes she had to write for those check outs!
Oh no, now I’m worried that this creep might be going after the guys who call themselves Bronnies. I can picture him driving by in a windowless white van luring them with the Sparkles My Little Pony. I mean what true Bronny could resist Sparkles? Someone needs to put up a public service announcement about this.
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I suspect the poor ol’ librarian was in her grave by the time Harry Potter came out (she was probably actually like 45 and just seemed 96). However, I do think distressing themes come in an easier-to-swallow package with fantasy/HP…. it feels slightly more removed than a super realistic and not-at-all-comedic alcoholic father beating his son or a young girl’s learning disabled brother going missing in the woods! There’s no escape into a fun transfiguration class at Hogwarts for them! Just the plain on regular misery of life!
Well, fortunately my blog (and the brilliant comments section) is REALLY REALLY wide-read (34 views on this important Unicorn post!!!!), so I think we’ve already done our part in warning the world about this windowless white van maniac aka Mr Vavra.
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It’s people like you who are saving the Bronnies of the future! You deserve some wine!! 🍾🍾🍾
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Vote cast! 🙂 I would like to meet the expert illustrator of Mr. Vavra’s text (who was of course working from real unicorn observational data). I remember The Last Unicorn – it’s sad and scary and sweet all at the same time. It’s a gem, as is Vavra’s book. 🙂 Now, I wonder where one is most likely to find / stumble upon a unicorn?
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So glad you’re also a Last Unicorn fan 🙂 And I think you’re in luck! Mr Vavra contends that there is a fairly large unicorn population in Michigan… and that’s really only a hop, skip, and a jump away from Illinois — weekend getaway? It’s important you don’t bring any naysayers along with you though…. just your open heart, patience, and perhaps a pair of (quiet) knitting needles to pass the time.
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Ah, glad to know I’m not too far from Unicorn-land. I’ll keep an eye out! 😉
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The last unicorn is by far one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE children’s movies. I can remember me and my best girlfriend watching it repeatedly, knowing all the while that it had to be true. I mean, who could refute such amazing animation. Also, if you’re a fan of that movie, you must know of The Hobit (animated version). If you haven’t seen it, check it out! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hobbit_(1977_film)
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Isn’t it amazing?!?! And offffff course I know the animated Hobbit version!! That was in my trio of favourites: ‘The Last Unicorn’, ‘The Hobbit’, and ‘The Dark Crystal’ — can’t be beat! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
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I’m a little late to the conversation, but I love this post! As a kid, I wanted so badly to find them in the woods behind my house. However, the long-fabled south Georgia unicorn never appeared. That being said, I did get to speak with Peter Beagle at DragonCon once, and he is every bit as charming as you’d like to imagine!
As an adult, I was so happy to show it to my kids. I was caught off guard one night, though. Molly Gru was doing her thing and yelling at the unicorn about appearing to her when she’s older and no longer innocent, and I. Started. Crying. I couldn’t believe it, either, but I couldn’t stop. I guess I had that moment where I realized I was no longer Amalthea – I was now Molly. And I loved her all the more.
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Awwww I grew up in Georgia too and can attest that the Georgian unicorn also evaded me! I absolutely love your story about Molly – I had nearly the same experience when I re-watched the film as an adult. I’m so glad the movie can stand up to our changing life perspectives… I can’t say that about everything I loved in my youth! Thanks for reading and sharing your experience with me.
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